who are the real villans?

  Star Wars, The Rebel Alliance. The good guys. Or are they?

  We are lead to believe from the films that the Rebels are the good guys. They do win in the end by killing Darth Vader, The Emperor, destroying the 2nd Death Star and killing hundred of thousands of innocent people. Wait, I hear you say - "Thousand of innocent people?". Yes they do. The first Death Star was completed so destroying that was fine - It was a military target. Yes. It was complete and run by the Empire.  According to figures that I have found.  OK - it was Wikipedia, but that gave me a figure of the casualties. Almost 1.2million deaths! This maybe a lot higher if this website is to be believed. After all this weapon did destroy Alderaan and kill 1.9BILLION people.

The Death Star

  However, the 2nd Death Star was still under construction and as such would have had hundred of thousands of "contractors" working on the plumbing, "iron work", electrics etc.  I wouldn't be surprised if most of the afore mentioned contractors were probably slaves but the sentiment still remains.  They were "innocent" of the wrongdoings on The Empire and just doing their job - some of them, probably, under duress.  This is also excluding all the construction droids that are needed for the more dangerous aspects of construction.

The 2nd Death Star

  Sometimes you do need a good reason to continue the construction at a break neck speed.  You would too if you had this person as the project manager...

The boss had his own motivational idea

  I think the moral of this is never sign up for a "rush construction job" when the people who are employing you are at war - especially if it's to some far flung corner of the empire.  I just hope that the death pay was worth it.

Photos © Lucasfilm Ltd. & TM. All Rights Reserved.

Cave, Volcano or self build?

  Changing tact away from horror films for this post.  I will now get back the problems of being an Evil Genius.  This time, as I have already covered suppliers and staff.  So, this time, it's going to be where to place your Lair.

  As you will be aware, all good Evil Geniuses need somewhere to live, design and construct your day to day evilness.  This can be broken down to three different types.  These being:

1) Cave -This is the simplest solution.  All you need to do is wander around the countryside until you stumble across a cave that is big enough for you needs.  Caves can be extended and expanded but it's always better to start off with a large cave.  It does have its downsides but this can be overcome by experiments with colour.

2) Volcano -nowhere near as simple to construct than the cave as first you need to find an extinct volcano somewhere on Earth that won't suddenly re-erupt at a moment's notice half way through the retro fit.

3) Self Build -This is the most ambitious of the three options and probably the hardest to keep quiet from the meddling aspects of the local, and sometimes the international, law enforcement officials.  You may have to provide plans for your idea.  This may seem like an issue but if you just send the plans for the above ground, 3 bedroom, two bath residency and then hire a specialist conversion team to dog the secret lair in, hopefully, secrecy.

  Specialist conversion companies can be expensive but if you want absolute secrecy when constructing things you shouldn't be then this is the way forward.  You should know what companies that offer this services.  Why do you think that we, the Evil Geniuses, of the world have our own website with contacts for this sort of conversions.

 Finally, what you need to consider is location.  Yes, it may seem fine to build your lair on an island in the middle of the ocean.  If you do think this then slap yourself around the head.  The main reason that this location is stupid is that it's IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!  Somewhere more practical and based near utilities is a lot better solution.

Despicable Me is UK cinemas from October 15

An Igor it is then...

  It's now decision time.  Whether to take on some help around the cave. I think going down the minion route is not going to be the best idea for the cave and my sanity in trying to control these evil masses.

  So, if we rule out Dave and his friends then this only leaves the hiring of an Igor. Igors have always been the mainstay of the Evil Genius. They are loyal, good with their hands and can turn their hand to surgery at a blink of a poorly aimed laser.

Igor

  They can have their problems.  Reading is not their strong point. Getting a left arm stitched where a right one should be isn’t that much of a problem - sometimes this can be an advantage. On the other hand, mixing a “normal” and “Abnormal” (or even Abby Normal’s one – whoever she was).  Another of their "problems" is their ability to recognise when their employment is due to expire. This maybe down to a scene of being able to smell burning tar and the noise clank of agricultural implements at several miles or the town of their masters laughter that will spell the end of their employ.

  So the order has been sent for 1(ONE) ACME Inc. Igor - I've asked it to be sent via the normal postal channels as I need a couple of days to finish building its cage, sorry, tiding up the room...

Image of The Minions © 2010 Universal Studios. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Image of Igor/Marty Feldman © unknown.

Despicable Me is UK cinemas from October 15

Minions and uses

  Yesterday's post got me thinking about the cons (and cost) of hiring minions.  Now what could be the advantages of hiring/creating them?

  Take Exhibit A here - We shall call him, from now on, Dave Minion.

Dave Minion

  It looks quite good.  It has the correct number of arms, legs and eyes (always a good start but sometimes an extra limb or two can be an advantage).  This minion looks like a good idea until you compare it to myself.

  Now you can see the differences in height.  This does have an advantage.  You can stuff them into a space a lot smaller than someone of average height.  The downside is they do tend to eat a lot more than what you would expect.  What Dave lacks in height he does excel in his lifting capacity.  Need an anvil (all sizes), rocket launcher or even, your ever faithful, Doomsday Device moving from one area of the cave to another then Dave's your man.

  You may think that you need more than just Dave.  This may seem like a good idea until you look at what happens when you end up with too many.  Rioting and accidental firing of heavy weapons ... I'm looking at you Dave for this one.

Finally,if you don't believe me saying that a small, hand picked, band of loyal minions isn't a good idea but a large horde is better I give you exhibit B:

  I will say that if you do have mass hordes of minions then the odd mistakenly fired rocket will not damage your work force.

Image of The Minions & trailer © 2010 Universal Studios. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Despicable Me is UK cinemas from October 15

Minions - a good idea?

  Being an evil genius there comes a time to decide if you need the help of minions.  This can produce problems.  These tend to involve the ability to feed, arm and control them enough so they don't try and mutiny and take over your super fortress / converted volcano.

Exhibit A - The hordes

  As a lone wolf, so to speak, I have decide against this idea as they tend to cramp my style, make a mess of the cave and, generality, being a pain in the tail.

  This mess tends to involve their failed experiments.  Propulsion (flinging each other into a wall at high speed), explosives (leaving small bits of themselves all over the shop), electronics (leaving smouldering bits of themselves all over the place) and weaponry (vaporising each other, thus cutting down even more, on your minion base).  Cleaning up after these experiments can take up a lot of time, effort, and paperwork.  This can take a lot of my own personal "evil time" away from my own projects.  These are the reasons why I try to stay away from having hordes of Minions. The odd helper, on a purely ad-hoc basis is a more cost-effective way of getting your plans in action.

  World domination hasn't been my style. It's normally just trying to get something to eat. This seems to be getting harder and harder as times goes on so I decided to diversify so the idea of World Domination now seems like a career update (and probably a cheaper one - saving on those medical bills that keep coming in each time you fall off a cliff, get hit by anvils, fall off a cliff and then getting hit by an anvil...).

Image of The Minions © 2010 Universal Studios. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Despicable Me is UK cinemas from October 15